Saturday, July 2, 2011

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

I started this blog half-assedly last year, and then forgot it existed until the other day when my sister Ruby suggested I start a journal to keep track of my experiences being a mom-to-be. She suggested this because I am pregnant! 10.5 weeks, to be exact. This is our first child, a happy accident caused by my inability to understand ovulation. But we are both in our thirties, and we own a house and have jobs and are generally responsible people, damn it! We can DO this. That is my new mantra, especially on days when I slog out of bed exhausted, look around at the dog hair everywhere and start having thoughts of "how the hell am I going to handle having a newborn in the house, crying all night, and then dropping them off at daycare so I can go to my mind-numbing job for 8 hours every day?" I guess that's why God created trucker speed, though. Ha! I kid. That stuff gives me insomnia.

At this point we don't know the gender of the baby, and we are still tossing around names. We made the mistake of pinky-swearing on names a few years ago while a little drunkish, and now I am having some reservations about them: Ernestine and Buckner. I like Ernestine, a lot, to me it sounds awfully adult but can be shortened up to a cute nickname: Ernie. And I like Buck... but with that name you run the risk of some terrible mockeries. However, there are so many good names out there: Iris, Agnes, Nelly, Hobart, Henry, Clay. How does anyone choose?? I just realized that all of my names are very dust bowl-era.

We get our first ultrasound in 10 days. I can not tell you how excited I am to get a glimpse of this creature. Lately my symptoms have been dwindling, and it's making me nervous that something is wrong, even though I know I'm at the period when symptoms start to abate. I'm starting to show a little, and I've been using a rubber band as an expander to keep my pants up.

I am having a little anxiety as to the type of mother I'm going to be. I keep having worries that I am going to be selfish and resentful- I can be prone to that type of behavior. What if I have NO maternal instinct? What if the whole thing is completely overwhelming and the house turns into a hoarders den? My coworker (who is a little crazy) reports that once she gets home and makes dinner, oversees her kids homework, and vacuums the entire house from head to toe, followed by her daily aerobics workout, it can be 10 pm before she ever gets a minute to herself. Obviously, I'm not her (we clean the floors once a week, for example, not nightly) but I feel there's a lesson in there somewhere, that I can kiss time alone goodbye, that my days of luxuriating with a book are nearly over, or on hold. My other sister reports that once you look into your child's eyes all that goes away, you are bonded for life with them and none of that matters. I am just hoping that I'll be the kind of mom I want to be-relaxed, fun, reliable, consistent.

Anyway, despite all that neurotic stuff, this pregnancy has started out pretty easily. I've been sleepy a little, a little nauseated, I have patches of dry skin all over my torso and my short term memory is disappearing, but other than that I feel great. Maybe better than I have in years. We're slowly getting the baby's room in order, I've been taking my daily walkies and am about to go purchase an expandable bathing suit so I can start swimming a couple times a week.

So... that about brings this journal up to date on that subject. More to come soon. I'll post ultrasound pics!

No comments:

Post a Comment